She Hates When You Do These Nice Things

October 11, 2014


Thoughtful gestures—as long as your heart’s in the right place—will win you points, right?

Wrong. In fact, many of the nice things you do for your girlfriend may actually be driving her crazy. Buying her jewelry that’s not her style, surprising her with romance at inopportune times, trying to fix her problems, for example. What sweet, point-winning moves are you making that she secretly hates?

It’s not quite as tricky as it sounds. The problem mainly happens when a gesture isn’t fully considered in terms of how a partner will feel. Thinking of how she’ll feel about something is always a safe move to make sure your thoughtful gestures are received in the way you intended.”

Gifts Are Not Always Welcome

Women are very particular about jewelry, and if you’re not paying attention to what she actually likes and wears, your thoughtful gift comes across as a lack of interest.

It looks like you don’t know or care about what she really loves. If you’re going to buy her jewelry, you’d better know what she likes to wear.

You can look for clues—does she like hearts, does she like gold or silver, is she drawn to bigger or smaller pieces?

A pretty necklace here, some roses there—that’s fine. But a constant onslaught of clothes, jewelry, perfume, and other “thinking of you” trinkets? Not smart.

She dislikes your avalanche of gifts for a couple of reasons. Too much masculine care-taking behavior feels controlling, especially if she’s gainfully employed and financially capable of taking care of herself.

Also, even if your intentions are pure, she feels pressure to reciprocate—and no woman wants to be in a relationship where she constantly feels one step behind.

Imaginary Problems

Unless her problem is a leaky faucet, a hard-to-hang painting, or a spider, she probably doesn’t want you to fix it. When a woman is feeling down, she typically wants to be heard and have her feelings validated.

Translation: If she’s having issues with her best friend or a colleague at work, she wants to vent, not come up with a solution. All you have to do is listen to her and (occasionally) agree.

Drop her off, but wait until she’s inside before driving off. That’s fine—no woman is going to fault you for seeing her safely home. But when you start asking her where she is, or when she’s coming back, even if it’s just because you care about her and are excited to see her, she’ll start getting irritated.

Bottom line: Unless she asks you to, or you need her immediate expertise on how to put out a kitchen fire, try not to check in on her.