How Not To Act At The Gym

October 23, 2014


Spotting intolerable gym-goers can be as easy as pointing a finger. Whether it’s the elderly man whose slack scrotum is visible from under his “running” shorts, or the ignorant vandal who’s shadowboxing his reflection like some cracked out MMA fan, we’ve identified every conceivable gym behavior that you loathe, and should aim to avoid doing yourself.

Grunting And Self-Admiration Are Strictly Prohibited

While a study from Iowa State University found a quick yell or grunt before an exercise can increase handgrip strength by seven per cent, most of the time these swine-like grunts serve to communicate you’re lifting heavy and that we should all be impressed by it.

Well, hate to cut it to you, buddy – we aren’t. The only thing your attention-seeking holler is accurately doing is making us wonder if you’ll blow out your rectum.

We work out to be healthy and to look good, with a little more emphasis on the latter.

And while stealing a quick glance at the mirrors is to be expected and serve to assist in properly executing an exercise, we all know that douchier brand of male who watches himself in the mirror like it’s a “Game of Thrones” episode.

He may try to brush his behavior off as normal by insisting he’s merely watching his form, but the truth slowly reveals itself as he puckers his lips two inches from the glass.

Drop It Like It’s Hot

If you pick up the weights and use them, simply return them to where they were found. It’s not a difficult task at all. These are principles that were taught in kindergarten, for crying out loud. Not doing so can seriously injure someone.

Like those who grunt unnecessarily, dropping the weights like Ozzy Osbourne does the F-bomb displays a need for attention. Can’t you read the signs that shout in bold black text “DO NOT DROP THE WEIGHTS”? That’s plain disrespectful and a mighty fine way to make enemies.

Some may have their hair gelled due to activities or engagements held prior to the gym, but under no circumstance is it necessary to groom your hair for the sole purpose of working out.

Though we don’t feel it needs further explanation, here’s why: You sweating will render all grooming redundant, and the gym is for exercise, not mating.