10 Ways to Look Like a Rock Star

October 15, 2013

rockstar

Rock stars have all the luck. They get the best tables at restaurants. They never wait in lines at clubs. Everywhere they go, they attract admiring glances.

Rock stars get the best of everything: expensive French champagne, potent Russian vodka, fiery Spanish models…well, you get the idea. Admit it – you want a taste of rock-star life, if only for one night.

And you can have it. It’s all a matter of style. Here’s the secret: If you look like a rock star, you’ll be treated like a rock star. It’s just that simple. Here are 10 quick tips to get you started.

1 – It’s All About the Shades

No self-respecting rock star would be seen in public without cool shades. You get a choice. Ray-Bans are classic. They’ve got old-school appeal. Aviator styles lend a certain retro credibility.

Or you could make a bold move with uncommon styles, colors, and designs. Bono has singlehandedly established mystique with his bright yellow wrap-arounds, while Johnny Depp – who enjoys substantial rock-star credibility despite his profession — sees the world through blue-tinted hornrims.

Shadesshould be worn day and night, indoors and out. Choose a flash-resistant lens to protect your eyes from paparazzi, and dark lenses to conceal signs of imbibing. Have a member of your entourage carry a spare pair of sunglasses, just in case.

2 – Authentic Blue Jeans

Jeans are an essential element of the rock star’s uniform. Would Springsteen be a star today if he’d worn corduroy on the cover of Born in the USA? Of course not.

Stars of the disco generation rocked bell-bottoms, but today’s coolest customers favor skinny jeans that hug the legs. This style does not suit every physique, however, and choosing an unflattering cut can emphasize bowlegs or a growing paunch.

Get reliable advice from a trusted friend or store clerk as you try on different styles. The faded or washed-out look is no longer favored except by members of high school glee clubs. Stick to dark denim, preferably blue.

3 – Real Leather

Real rock stars wear real leather. There is no debate about this. For ultimate rock-star cred, you need a motorcycle jacket with a minimum of design or writing on the back. Studs are acceptable in moderation; tassels are not.

Cycle-club logos should be avoided, as confrontation from rival gangs could be problematic. Ideally, you want a jacket with a scuffed, lived-in appearance. You can pick up a used jacket in a thrift store, or just buy a new one and get a member of your entourage to break it in.

4 – Groom Like a Rock Star

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A cursory survey of YouTube videos from the 1980s and 1990s will confirm that pop musicians have followed every random hairstyle trend, often with disastrous results.

True rock stars, however, have remained true to the rock aesthetic: Hair should look as if it has never seen a brush. No gel, no mousse, no blow-drying.

You want to look as if you just rolled out of bed with a couple of supermodels. Dye is acceptable as long as it’s a shade of black.

If you do color your hair, the dye job must be maintained regularly, with no regrowth visible. You can even rock some guyliner and nail polish – black only – if you’ve got sufficient attitude.

5 – Rock Your Design

Rock stars understand the power of branding. You’ll want to go by a single name – Usher, Bono, and Sting are taken, unfortunately – and ideally you’ll need a graphic logo. You’ll use the logo on stage, on your luggage, on promotional t-shirts, on posters, on your tour bus, and on your website.

Ideally, you want something with sufficient graphical integrity to look good on the backside of a teenage groupie. Bonus points if you replace your name with a graphical image. (We’re looking at you, Prince.)

6 – Paparazzi: A Necessary Evil

Celebrity photographers are an unavoidable cost of being in the public eyes. As a rock star, you are keenly aware of the trauma of being caught unaware. The last thing you want is an unflattering photo traversing the Web like a virus. The solution?Be posed and photo-readyat all times.

Your shades, leather jacket, and hair must always be perfect. Determine which is your “good” side and practice flattering poses in the mirror until they are second-nature. You’ll also want to ensure that you aren’t photographed with anyone who is uncool, as that could puncture your rock-star credibility. If that means you have to give up some friends, so be it.

7 – Location, Location, Location

If you want to be viewed as a rock star, you’ve got to hang out in the right places. A sighting in the wrong locale could brand you a long-haired poser. No one wants that. Internet research and judicious use of tips may be necessary to ascertain where the beautiful people will congregate on a particular night.

Don’t hesitate to scout the location during the morning hours to locate public entrances and discreet exit points. You’ll also want to make contact with bouncers and doormen to ensure there are no surprises when you show up later. Once again, a discreet tip can work wonders. Consider it an investment.

8 – The Perfect Entourage

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You will be judged by the company you keep, so make sure you are surrounded by the right kind of people.

Male members of your entourage should bulge with muscles. Shaved heads and tattoos are also desirable.

Women should bulge too, in different places. Make sure they’re dressed glamorously whenever you are seen together in public.

These attendants will cater to your needs and carry out tasks that you require in order to maintain your image.

Make sure they’re carrying cash, spare sunglasses, backup cell phones, condoms, and any pharmaceuticals that for one reason or another don’t fit handily into your own pockets.

9 – It’s All Attitude

A true rock star works hard to maintain his status as a diva. You’ll want to develop expectations that are demanding but not unrealistic. Wherever you go, you’ll want multiple bottles of your favorite liquors waiting for you on ice, plus a pre-approved selection of snacks.

You should assume that these amenities will be provided free of charge in return for the coolness that your presence lends to the establishment.

(A member of your entourage should be prepared to make payment if the establishment’s management is unimpressed by your reasoning.) When in doubt, demand Jack Daniels and a platter of rare hamburgers. That’s what rock stars eat.

10 – Cultivate Ennui

Above all, rock stars are unimpressed by fame of all kinds. Your successful adoption of rock-star style may succeed in giving you access to the beautiful people, but once you get there you must studiously avoid noticing just how beautiful they are.

You must maintain an appropriate level of indifference at all times, while still using vigorous name-dropping to maintain and expand your access to parties, backstage get-togethers, and private clubs.

Do not hesitate to mention the discomfort of the tour bus or the pain of maintaining a private jet for round-the-world tours. It is small touches like these that will make you a real rock star.

 

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